Liveblogging the ESPYs

ESPN bills the ESPYs as the greatest night in sports. I know when I talk sports with my buddies, we'd rather watch LeBron dance than watch LeBron dunk, or watch Peyton get a funny-shaped award than watch him throw a funny-shaped ball, or watch Sharapova walk on a red carpet than grunt sexily as she kicks ass at the U.S. Open.

But how else will I know if ESPN is right if I don't watch it myself - and liveblog it. This was a hard decision to make: I could either blog the ESPYs live (even though it was taped earlier in the week) - or I could watch VH1's "Rock of Love" with Bret Micheals of Poison.

But I decided to do this for two reasons:

1) ESPN's The Sports Guy became big-time by liveblogging the ESPYs. He did it years back for his Web site, and a friend of his passed it to another friend, who passed it to another friend - and so on until it came across some bigshot's desk at ESPN. They loved it. The rest is history. Oh, and I'll be looking for a job in a few months, and I could use all of the help I can get.

2) VH1 is replaying "Rock of Love" at 10:30 - that way I can watch both. Sweet.

Judging by what I've seen so far, the ESPYs have gone to great lengths this year to copy the Oscars in every way imaginable: They're having an hour-long preview show of athletes all dolled up, walking across red carpets, ducking awkward interviews by Chris Connelly and company. The ceremony itself is in the Kodak Theatre, home of the Oscars, and statues of the funny-lookin' trophy are everywhere. And they're already giving out the loser awards (Biggest Upset) before the award show begins.

And here's a shocking prediction for you: Jimmy Kimmel will suck as the host, just as Ellen did at the Oscars. Neither have been funny for years. Jimmy hasn't been the same since he left "The Man Show," while Ellen wouldn't know funny if it stood next to her during an American Express commercial. (Swimsuits catching fire?! WTF?!)

But the ESPYs isn't the Oscars - even if its red carpet interviews focus on fashion and other crap no one cares about. The interviewers make it sound like being at the ESPYs is the biggest thing ever. When Connelly interviewed Peyton a few minutes ago, he asked him how great it was to walk on the red carpet, at long last, as a champion. Because that's what Peyton was thinking when he won the Super Bowl. "Oh boy! Now I can show my bling off to Dwyane Wade at the ESPYs in July!!!" Please.

Here's the other thing that the Oscars has up on this: We already know who won the ESPYs - they taped it last week. Think the Oscars would be as popular as it is if we could just log onto Yahoo! and see who won the awards in four minutes rather than a four-hour snoozefest? Of course not. We watch in part to see all of the pretty dresses and pretty people, but we also watch to see who wins. Will "Crash" upset "Brokeback"? Will Martin Scorsese finally get the credit he deserves? And will the Academy finally realize that Tom Hanks, as the profound Eric Cartman puts it, can't act his way out of a wet paper sack?

And we've already seen clips of the ESPYs on commercials and other ESPN shows: LeBron gets in a goofy set of parachute pants and dances, Kimmel cracks a joke about Peyton getting endorsements, and LeBron comes out on a throne ('cause he's King James - get it?). Most fans wouldn't watch a tape-delayed sporting event if they had already seen the score on the Web and highlights on SportsCenter, so why should we watch an award ceremony when the best parts have already been aired and the results are Google-able?

But, alas, I'm sitting here on a Sunday night in the recliner I found by a dumpster. Who am I to tell a multi-billion dollar franchise what to do?

8:00: ...Dude. You're kidding me. I got all gung-ho and revved up for the ESPYs, so I switch it over to ESPN (from the pre-award show on ESPN2). And what's on ESPN, you ask? Baseball.

I'm stuck in the bottom of the ninth of a 10-0 game between the Cardinals and the Phillies. Can't ESPN say "Due to lack of interest and the fact that this game is pretty much over, here's LeBron and company?" Why not? Screw Joe Morgan and company. I'm way too impatient to sit through baseball for an awards ceremony that won't live up to the hype...especially when I could be watching Bret Michaels and 25 mega-hot rocker babes on VH1. Alas, I'm stuck with the Phillies' monumental 10,000th loss.

As an aside, I find the sarcastic enthusiasm of the Philly fans hilarious. "YEAH! We suck more than everyone else! Woo!" Reminds me of the days when "Colts" meant "Count On Losing This Sunday," and I felt ashamed at wearing my Jim Harbaugh jersey to school. That, by the way, is what made our Super Bowl run as powerful as it was - the fact that we'd been at the bottom for so long and then finally made it to the top. And yes, I'm rambling. Blame it on the Phillies for stretching out a loss (the score is now 10-2). See? Philly sucks so much that it can't even LOSE right.

8:11: Finally Ryan Howard strikes out. It's ESPYs time. We begin with a montage of great plays, including some sweet soccer plays no one remembers, LeBron James traveling like a hungry hobo and my boy Marvin Harrison's incredible sideline TD catch against the Patriots. The music, by the way, is some poor remix of U2's "Vertigo." We then get into the sappy highlights - the Saints post-Katrina, Tiger winning after his dad's death and all of the athletes who died in the past year. On a lighter note, we move onto some happy milestones, like Craig Biggio's 3,000th hit, LDT's TD record and LeBron showing that he can, every once in a while, perform in the clutch.

8:21: Dude, this montage is still going on?! At least the MTV Awards' montages are funny...sometimes. It finally ends, and JK makes a couple of stripper jokes, including one about Pacman Jones.

8:22: And here's the TV commercial crack to Peyton. Hilarious. JK then gives a shoutout to Colts fans for standing in the cold to watch the victory proud.

8:24: So basically JK is just rehashing jokes from the entire year, some of which are years old - like the Shaq-Kobe feud. The highlight so far was JK telling Shaq, as a joke, that Kobe is coming to Miami and that he should go back up the beanstalk. Get it, Shaq and the Beanstalk? Well, Shaq does a great deadpan that makes JK look like the idiot he is. Props to Shaq.

8:25: Sure enough, LeBron enters the stage wearing a crown, on a throne, and JK kisses his hand as if he were the godfather. There was no ring to kiss, of course, because LeBron didn't win the NBA title. Thought I'd remind you of that, in case you forget that from all of the hype around a 23-year-old.

8:27: Maria Sharapova is out to present an award. SCHWING! (Who am I to talk about old jokes, eh?) She's up to present the Breakthrough Athlete award. The nominees: Deven Hester, Morgan Pressel, Ryan Howard and Kevin Durant. Hester gets the award, but I think Durant got robbed. That's OK - he'll tear it up in the OC (Oklahoma City) in a couple years, while Hester is stuck in Chicago with a quarterback who couldn't find an open receiver with directions from Google Maps and OnStar.

8:36: A lame sketch with JK, Danica Patrick and a horse leads us to the next award: Best Championship Performance. The nominees: Serena Williams, Jimmie Johnson, Peyton "God" Manning and LeBron James. Manning somehow gets the nod, even though he wasn't that great in the Super Bowl. But who am I to complain? He's PEYTON! He gives a classy, short speech, thanking his teammates and, of course, looking classy. Much better than TO's lame white and black suit with the Cowboy emblem on the back. By the way - PEYTON'S WIFE IS HOT! I have the feeling that if I didn't worship him, I'd hate his guts for having everything...

8:40: Danica Patrick is out to present best sports movie - hoping, no doubt, that if she ever wins an Indy race, she'll be able to star in a movie about herself someday. The nominees: "Talladega Nights", that one about swimming, "We are Marshall," and "Invincible." Of course, "Talladega Nights" wins, even though it was completely overrated and not one of Will Ferrell's better performances. Actually, Ferrell's acceptance speech was funnier than the movie itself, even though it was the same gag repeated a few times. But hey, that's what Ferrell's become. In other news, I still can't believe I picked this over drunk chicks fighting over that guy from Poison.

8:47: Hey, did you hear that David Beckham is playing in America soon?

8:50: You know what's really funny? Claymation characters running really fast and hitting each other. C'mon, ESPN: Celebrity DeathMatch was SO six years ago. That said, "Lebrontourage" would be entertaining. His new crib is rumored to have a bowling alley, barbershop and a casino. Think of how much fun MJ and John Daly could have there...

8:51: Time for Best Game, presented by Matt Leinart and Vince Young. Three good ones here: the Colts-Pats AFC Championship, Durant's coming out party for Texas and Oklahoma St., and the Fiesta Bowl miracle for Boise State. I'm partial to the AFC Championship because, you know, I was there and all. I still get chills, as does my buddy Jared, when we talk about or see highlights of Addai's game-winning TD, or that beautiful pass to Klecko. But seriously, the Boise State game was incredible. Hook and ladder play. TD pass to a back-up quarterback. The Statue of Liberty play. Best college game I've seen in years. And, sure enough, it wins. Props to those guys for kicking some Sooner tail. Even though I could get lynched from the oil refineries down here for saying that...

8:56: Ashley Judd and Pat Summit (most underrated basketball coach ever) out to present a Jimmy V Award for Perseverance. I'm not going to make a joke here. Instead, I urge you to watch Jimmy V's speech at the first ESPYs here. If you can get through it without choking up, you're a stronger man than I am. Don't give up. Don't ever give up.

9:04: As we head to commercial, we see LaDianian Tomlinson holding a LaDainian Tomlinson bobblehead. Dude, I totally want my own bobblehead. Prompting this discussion with my buddy Jared:

navinjohnson3: i want my own bobblehead
jaredbmartin: haha someday we will have our own
jaredbmartin: ill see to that
jaredbmartin: if it's the only thing i accomplish in life

Since nothing else is going on, I thought I'd share.

9:05: An UnderArmour commercial shows a lot of chicks practicing sports: lacrosse, volleyball, softball, field hockey and soccer. Which means it's a good time to share my theory that soccer players are the hottest female athletes, just ahead of tennis players. Sharapova is certainly hotter than Mia Hamm, but the average soccer player is hotter than the average tennis chick. Trust me, dude. If I'd spent as much time reading or writing as I had pondering this quandary, I'd be the world's greatest journalist...rather than a loser liveblogging the ESPYs on his dumpster recliner. By the way, I don't regret my decision in the slightest.

9:09: WHY IS KELLY CLARKSON AT THE ESPYS?!?!??!! If this award show were about talentless, overrated idols, than Tom Brady would be hosting tonight. BURN! Serena Williams and The Rock (?!?!) are out to present the best record-breaking performance award to either Michael Phelps, LaDainian Tomlinson, Bobby Knight and Kelly Slater. Knight should get the award, but he'd probably choke The Rock - which would certainly liven up the event. Knight broke a record few thought would be broken...but LDT gets the win, naturally. He handles the speech with class, giving a shout-out to his O-Line (not sure why they showed Colts center Jeff Saturday then, but OK. Better than Christian Slater, I guess - whom we already saw).

9:14: JK makes a good joke!!!, saying he didn't know TO was Jewish (alluding to the star on TO's suit). Peyton is out with Kate Walsh from some ABC show (ESPN keeping Disney happy with product placement) to present the Best Female Athlete award. The writing is so poor that it almost looks Peyton look stupid - but hey, it's Peyton. He could make a fez look cool. Ochoa, Candace Parker, Lisa Leslie and Taryne Mowatt are the nominees. Mowatt was INCREDIBLE last year when she mowed down my Northwestern Wildcats at the Softball World Series...and she wins! Wow. There's an upset for ya - even Walsh was surprised, seeing as she mispronounced the winner's name. Take that, Title IX!

By the way, the show is about half over now (so says my TV guide from today's newspaper). And "Rock of Love" is getting ready to conclude its epic first episode. *sigh*

9:22: Samuel L. Jackson is up, wearing his festive black and silver weirdo hat thingie, delivers a nice speech on Northern Ireland to present the Arthur Ashe Award to a pair of men who started a basketball tournament to try to bring Catholics and Protestants together (ESPN The Magazine ran a pretty solid story about it in its last issue). We finally learn why Christian Slater is here: he's narrating this piece. Apparently Zach Braff was busy...In any case, the story is pretty nice: A couple washed-up athletes start a basketball tourney to try to unite Ireland. But it's overly simplistic. The lesson here: If we bring baseball to Iraq, everyone will be happy and stop blowing each other up. Slater actually called these two "visionary leaders" - a bit too dramatic, if you ask me. That said, I'd rather watch a long piece of journalistic merit like this than Stephen A. Smith scream at Dick Vitale or Stuart Scott tell me "Who's Now." By the way, I'm not belittling these two guys: They're working hard to right a wrong. But let's not give them the Nobel Peace Prize for a basketball tournament or two just yet. The two give a strong speech and call out today's athletes to do more to make the world better, so props to them for that.

9:42: Here's the much anticipated LeBron Brown performance of him, um, singing (?) "My Perogative." He sounds like William Hung - if he were a 6-9 NBA superstar wearing leopard print parachute pants. This would have been hilarious...had ESPN not already shown me everything I needed to see. Seriously, this was awful. AWFUL. If the ESPYs hadn't jumped the shark with JK's poor jokes, they just did here. And Dane Cook's appearance makes it official. It was fun while it lasted...

9:46: Best Play time. Boise State's nominated, as is a beautiful scoop by D-Wade against the Pacers, a beautiful leaping grab and double-play by Endy Chavez, a gorgeous punt return TD by Pitt and a motocross thing by some dude. Boise State should win for its 2PC Statue of Liberty play...but I want to give a shout-out to Wade because I saw it in person. Wade lit up the Pacers that game as I sat idly by in the 18th row, watching with my mouth on the floor. Wade was INCREDIBLE that night - the most electrifying, incredible player I've ever seen in person (other than Peyton Manning). I called a friend from Miami afterwards to tell her how lucky she is to be able to see Wade on a regular basis. I'm rambling...but yeah. Wade rocks my socks off.

9:50: Shaq tells Greg Oden that he'll see him soon. Apparently Oden is an overweight child...? Anyway, he's presenting Best Moment, with nominees being Tony and Lovie being the first black coaches to coach in the Super Bowl (in case you forgot), Derek Fisher's tough journey with the NBA playoffs and his daughter battling cancer, Tiger winning the U.S. Open for his father and the Saints returning to the Superdome. I'd give the nod to New Orleans, and ESPN agrees. I give enormous props to Drew Brees for playing there and for what he and Reggie Bush have done for the community. They deserve the best.

10:00: Chris "Boomer" Berman and a couple actors are out to show us the loser awards: Best NBA Player (LeBron), Best Coach (Tony Dungy!!!), Best NHL Player (Sidney Crosby - one of the most exciting players in sports right now), Best Female Tennis Player (Sharapova), Best MLS Player (Landon Donovan, as if anyone cares) and others too numerous to mention because you're getting bored and so am I.

10:02: Time to present Best Team...with Jimmie Johnson and Kelly Clarkson?! It's like they put a list of big athletes and fairly hot women, put them in two separate hats and drew one from each to see who'd present. In any case, my Indianapolis Colts, Florida basketball, the Spurs, the Tennessee Lady Vols, St. Louis Cards and Florida football are the nominees. To me, it's not even a question: Gotta give it to Nap-Town. For everything the team, Peyton and the city have been through, it's gotta be the Horseshoe...and it is! Peyton, Tarik Glenn, Dongy, Jeff Saturday, Adam Vinatieri and some others I can't see because ESPN isn't showing them all are out to accept it. Dungy gives a nice speech (and he's wearing his ring!!). My boy Dwight Freeney shows Kelly Clarkson what real bling looks like, as he should. He can afford it with his new deal...

10:07: Oh God. ESPN promises a musical number that'll rock our socks off coming up soon. If LeBron sings again, I'm going to throw my Nikes through the TV immediately. There's only so much a man can take...

10:11: Another JK shower gag, this time involving Mike Tyson and his tattoo. Surprisingly, no one cracks an ear-biting joke. Anyhoo, Wayne Gretzky and Mary J. Blige are up to present the award for Best Male Athlete to either Tiger, Roger, Peyton, LeBron or LDT. Looking at it objectively, Peyton doesn't deserve it - it wasn't his best year individually. Nor does Tiger (iffy year), or LeBron (tanked in half of the playoffs). I won't argue with Roger or LDT...but I'd probably give it to Roger because of how freaking dominant he was. But if you think American fans are going to give it to a tennis-playing Swede over a football player, you're nuts. Sure enough, LDT gets it and makes a short and sweet speech.

10:16: T.I. and some chick I've never heard of introduce Macy Gray, Common and some other dude for a musical number...but I've had enough. I need to get ready for "Rock of Love." As an aside, apparently ESPN is having A BACKSTAGE SHOW on the ESPYs. Quite frankly, THAT'S INSANE!!!!!! I'm so out of here.

Hope this liveblog was more entertaining than the awards show itself...but it couldn't have been worse, am I right? Peace out.